Season One Snarks | Season
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Season One Snarks
Amazing Guest Stars: A *really* young Susan Saint James. Forrest
Tucker, in the Old West without Larry Storch.
Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings:
This episode is distinguished for one of the most truly memorable Hair
Moments of the series: when Heyes is cracking the first safe, he takes
off his hat, and there is his hair in all its glory: not plastered down
or unflatteringly combed, but nice and fluffy and...
On the other hand, there is a cosmically *bad* sweaty hair moment for Heyes
when Susan Saint James' character approaches Curry and Heyes about working
for her at the bank.
It was also noted that he is perhaps the only man in the universe who can
wear a cowboy hat pushed to the back of his head attractively.
Curry kind of looks like he has a dead sheep on his head, although it's
Not His Fault and was no doubt quite fashionable at the time. Bad toupe
award goes to Sheriff Lom.
Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:
Deb points out that at least they aged Curry's sheepskin jacket, though
she wonders how they got it away from Sam McCloud.
Catherine wonders how they have all these changes of clothes anyway since
they don't seem to have any luggage.
Heyes' brown corduroy shoulder-padded disco blazer gets him negative points
(and yes we know disco hadn't been invented when the show was on the air).
The polyester Old West jeans, while fitting our boys quite nicely, are
not exactly period -- Curry's light blue poly jeans are particularly egregious.
Also, the non-wrinkle poly-blend shirts, representing a technology not
yet imagined in the Old West, are notable throughout the series. As Deb
says, the wardrobers are really showing us the softer side of Sears.
Oh, and Susan Saint James' hair ribbons are so annoying that Catherine
suspects they're against the law in several states.
Best costume award goes to Heyes, who is routed out of bed by the deputy
and appears in undone trousers and partly unbuttoned henley undershirt.
Character Balance: Nice Heyes and Curry ensemble episode.
Romance Rating: Cosmic question time: how come when Heyes quite
charmingly expresses his infatuation with Ms. Saint James' banker character
to Curry, she immediately comes on to Curry, huh? But he ducks out on her
when his buddy is in trouble.
Slash Potential: Well, there only seems to be one bed in their
hotel room, and it's not exactly queensized.
Miscellaneous Snarking: Deborah theorizes that the little old
lady from Boston recognizes that Heyes and Curry are not in the right business
because they are just about the only crooks in the Old West who don't look
Pete Duel's dimple is adorably on display throughout much of this episode.
And much as we deplore the polyester Old West pants, we enjoyed the fit.
By the way, these guys were so slim -- can anyone figure out how their
gunbelts didn't just slide down off their hips?
Also, we were pleased to learn that it was Sheriff Lom, and not the boys
themselves, who came up with their rather obvious aliases. On the other
hand, *they* must have chosen the cool parts (Thaddeus and Joshua).
RETURN TO DEVIL'S HOLE
Now it is true that there is an Guest
by Anne for this one already but you know, we had to do it sometime.
After all, it is Fernando. Sigh...
Amazing Guest Stars: Fernando Lamas as Big Jim Santana, the only
man who has ever gotten us to take our eyes off Heyes for a single instance.
Well, Kid Curry gets his share of attention, but . . . certainly the only
*guest* star to ever tempt us from our rather singleminded pursuit of Heyes.
Fernando es muy macho. And Diana Hyland -- what else is she known for?
Somebody help? [dating John Travolta and dying young]
And it's a *Go Kyle* moment, as Dennis Fimple drops by!
Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: You know, we finally figured it
out. There was the original first season 'do, with the off-center part,
too often slicked back, but fetching nonethless. Then, there was that late
first-season 'do, the "I am in Paul Revere and the Raiders" one with those
lovely bangs. It is, of course, our favorite, but it appears all too fleetingly.
Then second season he's got that side-part that looks a little like a combover,
though from the first season hairstyles we know he didn't need one. That
one's not bad, though slicked back too often for our taste, until the sideburns
go wild and threaten to take over his face. Anyhow, this is original first
season 'do, with the nicer part. Slicked back too often, but he has some
nice messy hair after Big Jim slugs him. (Thanks, Jim. The check's in the
mail.) It does this little wing thing in back, though, which is pretty
goofy, and it's quite noticeable on two occasions in this episode, both
when he was wearing the hat. And what does this tell us, Heyes?
Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings:
And the big offender is . . . Diana Hyland as Clara Phillips. Okay, the
original outfit, a Victorian suit thing, works for us. Nice little hat
with veil, and all.
Too much eyeliner, and that frosted pink lipstick is just not something
one of George Eliot's heroines would have worn, but, there is worse to
Namely, the outfits she wears when trekking with Heyes to Devil's Hole.
What is with the cowgirl hat? From some angles it looks like mouse ears.
And the long blonde two-tone hair! It looks as though she has lightened
it and is letting it grow out.
Her final outfit is pretty bad, too, that black and turquoise thing with
that truncated little attempt at a faux bustle . . . oh, please.
Meanwhile, Heyes wears a neat blazer in the opening scene that we never
And Kyle gets an excellent vest, which is surprisingly clean, considering
Character Balance: This was a Heyes episode, no doubt of it. We
missed the Kid, although we were pretty distracted by lots of lovely Heyes
closeups and by Fernando as Big Jim.
A way lot of romance. Unfortunately, not for Heyes or Curry, but still,
if we've got to see someone who's not them have a kissing scene, better
it should be Big Jim than anyone else.
We vote that Big Jim and Clara get married and live happily ever after.
Big Jim es muy machismo, and he has met his match in Clara, who gets herself
all the way to Devil's Hole to avenge herself on an ex-lover who has deserted
And if it weren't for her "70s woman" clothes, we would like her even more.
Although when he says to her, "Relax. You are too tense." -- we can't even
*begin* to snark that. Okay, hands up, any female reader of these pages
who *hasn't* had some guy say that to her in a bad pickup attempt? Nobody?
Yeah, that's what we thought.
And why during the kissing scene do we expect the camera to cut away to
Kyle watching the whole thing through a pair of binoculars?
"What's a woman for if not to influence a man?" Jim, you're such a progressive
90's kind of macho dude.
Slash Potential: Okay, so *why* does Big Jim keep putting his arms
around Heyes' neck when he's talking to him? And the only two people he
keeps gesturing at with that very Freudian cigar of his are Clara (who
we *know* he's into) and Heyes. Plus he is the *only* person who *ever*
refers to Heyes as "Hannibal."
What is this? ASJ or the Discovery Channel? This has got to be the longest
nature montage ever seen on this show.
And the only good thing about that sappy love song in the background is
that it's not Pete singing it.
So, Heyes tells Clara that she has nothing to worry about because outlaws
don't shoot ladies . . . mainly because they have a shortage of ladies.
Uh, Clara? I'd worry now, if I were you.
Star Trek dramatic music as Heyes faces Big Jim for the first time.
Mary shared with us that in the script, this was described as "A bear hugging
a pencil"! Why not just come out and say "Heyes is a 98 lb. weakling, nyah,
nyah?" Best darn good looking pencil *we've* ever seen. Okay, so Jim knocks
over Heyes . . . and then Heyes knocks over Jim. Uh . . . we just called
the man a human pencil, and now we are assuming he packs enough wallop
to knock over a guy called Big Jim? Hello?
Yeah, Clara, so Bannerman's tracked him to Devil's Hole. Who? Harry Briscoe?
You trust those guys?
Jim mentions the Wells Fargo Clearinghouse, and Heyes goes all woozy for
a moment. They have *safes* there. And we all know how Heyes feels about
Kyle is so easily swayed that he seems to just agree with whoever's sitting
next to him. Infirm of purpose, indeed!
And what's with the three horses that Heyes, Jim and Clara ride -- all
with white blazes. Are they like horse reflective strips or something?
Deb figured they only put the stupidest people on guard duty, but as Catherine
pointed out, would you deny Big Jim anything?
It's a well-known fact that Sheriff Lom Trevors was once on the other side
of the law. By whom? The good people of Porterville don't seem to know.
Some really nice Heyes closeups. Really, really, really nice. Did we say
how much we liked them? Because we do. A lot.
Big Jim calls Heyes by his first name, Hannibal! Not even the Kid does
that. Cool. And he pronounces it so nicely: Han -ee- ball. (BTW, you all
should know that Deborah does a sterling impression of Big Jim, not to
mention an awfully good Kyle. But you'll have to wait for ASJ3K to find
out for yourselves.)
An *amazing* Jim pose when they are sitting by the stream and he's got
his leg bent. *Sigh*
Best Line/Worst Line:
Best line goes to the Kid for: "There's only one thing keeping you alive
Heyes . . . me!" (Not bad, Kid, to get the Best Line award for an episode
you were only in for five minutes!)
Worst line goes to Heyes for: "Both desperate . . . and I was beginning
to think we had nothing in common," tied with Big Jim's "Relax. You are
Quotes we just had to finish/respond to/invent:
Clara: "Mr. Heyes, I need you desperately."
Catherine & Deb: "Take a number and get on line, chick."
Clara: "I'm not interested in the $10,000 on your head. I am interested
in your hair, however. Who does it? It's fabulous!"
Clara: "This can't be the best trail."
Heyes: "No, but it's the worst music I could find."
Clara: "Why did you become an outlaw?"
Heyes: "You know, as long as this episode is, I still wouldn't have
time to tell you . . . mainly because the writers haven't figured it out
yet. They don't get to that until late in second season."
Kyle: "Something don't smell right."
Deb & Catherine: "That'd be you, Kyle."
Big Jim: "I am Big Jim Santana, brother of Carlos. I am bitter, for
I have no musical talent, so I have turned to this life of crime!"
Jim: [Hits Heyes] Heyes: Hey, what did you do that for?
Jim: "For not letting me know you were coming, and because it messes
up your hair very attractively for which many, many viewers will thank
Jim: I have 9, maybe 10 men who fit that description. 8 of them are
handsome. Of course, none of them are as handsome as me.
Hamilton: I got tired of her, and left her. It was her roots. She wouldn't
touch up her roots, and I couldn't take it anymore . . . Aaaargh!
Clara: "What did you expect a man like that to say?"
Jim and Heyes: "What do you mean, a man like that? This is Devil's
Hole. We're all men like that."
Big Jim: "I guess you bring out the father in me, too.
Us: "Clara, we know a *good* therapist. Give her a call.
THE MAN WHO MURDERED HIMSELF:
Amazing Guest Stars: Patrick Macnee and Slim Pickens in the *same*
episode? Wow! Too bad they never have a scene together. Juliet Mills struggling
with an American accent.
Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: There's one where he manages for
it to look greasy but good at the same time. Impressive.
Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:
Deborah has a problem with Heyes' polka dotted kerchief. Catherine thinks
he was taking Jimi Hendrix as his fashion role model.
The positive side of those pants is shown in a very attractive lounging
Juliet Mills' knee-length skirts and boots are so far out of period it's
truly amazing. A lady might have worn a mid-calf split skirt for riding,
if she didn't ride side-saddle, but for olden days we're getting quite
a glimpse of stocking.
Catherine notes that Patrick Macnee seems to be going for the John Steed
look even in the Old West his jacket has a contrast collar, just like on
the Avengers. Deb says that if you find a look that works, you stick with
it, and Catherine amuses herself by imagining Macnee sporting the Steed
look in various medieval and futuristic film scenarios.
Character Balance: This is a Heyes episode, which was no problem
for us. Curry doesn't seem to have too many brain cells in this one, what
with the dynamite hauling and all, but on the other hand, he's the one
who actually gets paid, so give the Kid a couple of points there.
Romance Rating: Ooooh! A Heyes kissing scene! First he resists
nobly -- good boy! Later, when it turns out to be okay, he shows excellent
technique: one brief kiss, after which he pulls back and looks adorable,
then he goes for the open-mouthed passionate kiss and we just melted...But,
ehem, she has to get back to Boston.
Slash Potential: Well, they're not in the same place very much.
Miscellaneous Snarking: This is the Incredible Morphing Accents
Episode. While Patrick Macnee remains British throughout, the rest of the
guest stars have the oddest tendency to switch off their accents. Juliet
Mills tries desperately to sound American and fails. The Australian sounds
like an American making a faint attempt at a British accent. The supposed
Bostonian who turns out to be a Scotland Yarder suddenly becomes Irish
partway through the episode.
WRONG TRAIN TO BRIMSTONE
Note: For many of the Americans among us, this
episode is better known as the first half of the tv movie/episode compilation
“Guns and Nuns.” (Lousy title, eh?) Unfortunately, these eps. were pulled
from the syndication package at the time they were spliced together into
the movie. Our British and European friends, on the other hand, have this
and “The Reformation of Harry Briscoe” as free-standing episodes. Our copies
originated in England, whence they were sent to the U.S. and converted
to U.S.-compatible copies (in other words, don’t just send off to England
and think you can play the videos . . . ). But there are scenes and shorter
bits that have been cut from the movie version, so if you see something
you don’t recognize, there’s a reason.
Amazing Guest Stars: Why, J.D. Cannon as Harry Briscoe, of course.
(Juvenile Delinquent Cannon? Juris Doctor Cannon? Those are some evocative
initials!) He has a very 19th c. weasel sort of a face -- sort of the less-talented,
less attractive male Helena Bonham Carter of early 70s television. William
Windom, of whom Catherine has this obscure memory that he starred in something
called *My World and Welcome To It* which was about a cartoonist and had
animations based on James Thurber drawings. Oh, and he was the “fake doc”
in “Night of the Red Dog.” And a Faux-Wheat who is *not* played by Earl
Holliman, yet looks oddly familiar. Identify, anyone? And, lookie! The
telegraph clerk is played by Father Mulcahy!
Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings:
Deborah notes it is getting quite long in back . . . he has a pony-stump,
she says. When Catherine is foolish enough to inquire what she means, she
is informed that it’s not *quite* long enough to put in a pony*tail*. Catherine,
who is easily amused by wordplay, proceeds to snicker quietly to herself
over this, long after Deborah has forgotten she ever said it.
And there is a lot of ear happening on both the guys as they turn to look
at Grant and Gaines coming out of the men’s room.
And what about the serious 5 o’clock shadow on Harry Briscoe? It looks
Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings?:
Deb quite correctly points out that Curry is sporting a very 1990s look,
with that backpack and the leather jacket. All he needs is some big baggy
In costumes generally, *nice* hat, Sarah. And where will we see *that*
dress again? Did you get the material from your old flannel nightgown?
For those of you who know who Cordelia Chase is . . . imagine her saying
Pete has got to be the only man who ever existed who could look good in
the brown corduroy disco blazer.
Character Balance: Heyes kinda tilts backwards sometimes and the
Kid lists a little bit to the left, but . . . no, this is a great buddy
Romance Rating: Well, Sarah *says* they
were perfect gentlemen when they captured her, but . . . do you believe
that hussy? Oh, right, they never saw her before in their lives. Actually,
the real romance here is with the gold bars: don’t drool too much boys
or you’ll tarnish it. They really do have an almost sexual reaction to
money. Heyes looks positively stricken because he knows he’s not going
to take the gold.
Slash Potential: If you want to see it . . . .
Deborah notes that they always think that everybody’s after them. Catherine
responds that if she looked like that, she would make the same assumption.
Deborah is threatening to write fanfiction titled “Throw Mama Off the Wrong
Train to Brimstone.” Catherine feels a filksong coming on: “It’s the last
train to Brimstone and I’ll meet you at the station . . .”
Is it just us, or is the Kid just naively thrilled with everything Heyes
does -- after all, he compliments him on his horsetrading skills, until
the livery guy decides to rip them off.
Don’t worry, Heyes and Curry -- those horses will be waiting for you the
next episode you need horses. They’re magic horses, sort of like the magic
suits that they mysteriously have whenever they read them. Although since
Catherine was informed that the script for “The McCreedy Bust” tells us
that the Kid was reading a Sears Roebuck Catalogue while Heyes was playing
poker with Big Mac and his friends she’s decided she knows the Secret of
the Suits -- they’re not the same ones, they just keep ordering them over
and over from Sears.
Bramburg? This must be a mistake -- it’s not . . . a town called Red Rock?
How can this be?
And, okay, why are Grant and Gaines *paying* for tickets if the train has
been hired for the job? Will Bannerman reimburse them? Do they need to
get a receipt?
They need *how* much? Deb figures $86 is the most they’ve had in the series
As the two old ladies across the aisle turn into middle aged men, Heyes
and Curry decide they’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. If the blonde at
the front takes off *her* wig, they agree, we’re outta here, posse or no
Hey, it’s the Devil’s Hole Gang, led by Kid Curry and Hannibal Heyes. Uh,
hello? We’re just sitting here. We’re not leading anything. If the DH gang
has already struck this line twice in 14 months, and this is the beginning
of the series, we can assume H & C were involved the first time, and
the second . . . could Big Jim have led it? Or did Wheat do better on his
Heyes and Curry wave their guns with such . . . enthusiasm. “And there
was much rejoicing.”
A carload of armed men and a load of whiskey? Can anyone say “stupid?”
We knew you could.
Hey, Harry actually says “more’s the pity” about no female agents at Bannermans.
So, is it Harry Briscoe, Proto-Feminist, or Harry Briscoe, Leering Idiot?
Of *course* it’s a good plan -- it’s not actually *Harry’s* plan.
I’m Gaines, You’re Grant says the Kid, but when they first got on the train,
Heyes identified himself as Gaines really loudly. So, the two most brilliant
outlaws in the West apparently can’t keep straight who they are. Wonder
if they ever mixed up who was Smith and who was Jones?
Heyes says “We was in a hurry.” It’s that Variable Grammar, again. Have
you ever noticed that sometimes they sound like Old Western schoolmasters
and other times they sound like, well . . . Kyle? It’s “Hi-I’m-in-the-Old-West
grammar”, just in case the cowboy hats and guns weren’t enough to give
it away. . . .
Speaking of Kyle, has anyone noticed he’s not riding with the Devil’s Hole
Gang this time around? We don’t mind this actually, because we certainly
don’t want to see Kyle endangered. No, these are the red shirts of the
Devil’s Hole Gang. (Uh, think *Star Trek*, not Communist Youth Brigades
. . . ) Anyway, there’s some major league Freudian action with the Gatling
Check out the tandem jump. It’s the Curry & Heyes gymnastics team.
You know, Heyes does a great imitation of Harry. The only thing he might
want to keep in mind is that Harry might *mind* that. And Harry’s still
kind of in a position to mess with his life.
Harry Briscoe is so much less buffoonish in this episode than in his subsequent
appearances. It’s interesting to think what they might have done with the
character if they’d taken him on a different trajectory from this point.
Has anyone noticed that Heyes is really much better at quick comebacks
than he is at long-range planning? Maybe his genius reputation comes not
so much from the brilliance of his plans, but from the way he manages to
snatch victory from the jaws of defeat when he really almost *deserves*
to fail . . .
Lines We Just Had to Torment:
Narrator/Roger: “And in all the trains and banks they robbed
. . .”
Us: “They ended up with about twenty-five cents. But then, did they
ever *really* get those safes opened? Maybe Heyes just had a really, really
good PR agent.”
Horse Trader: “If you understand the principles of free enterprise.”
Us for Heyes: “Well, as a member of the Socialist Workers’ Party, of
course . . .” And then he proceeds to bring out his guitar and sing The
Conductor: “Don’t be cute, boys.”
Heyes: (pulls out contract and reads) “No, sorry, we have to be cute.
*Tiger Beat* insists on it.”
Sarah: We haven’t been introduced.
Kid: But we thought you knew us well.
Harry: Now, we expect the gang to strike between point A and
Heyes: I don’t know. With Wheat’s sense of direction, we could expect
that gang to come along just about anywhere!
Sarah: Kid Curry found me lying there, and he and Hannibal Heyes took
me back to their camp . . . and had their way with me. Oh, it was wonderful.
I never wanted to leave . . .
Harry: Shut up, Sarah.
Guys: I’m Grant and he’s Gaines.
Baddie: No, you ain’t.
Guys: No, but we’re better looking than they are, so what’s it matter?
Heyes: We’re ready, Mister Briscoe.
Catherine and Deb: Yes, it’s Hannibal Heyes, boy detective, on the
Harry: You’re very alert.
Heyes: That’s the caffeine. Not as much as Gaines had, but . . . oh,
wait, *I’m* Gaines.
Harry: That’s the only reason you’re not both dead right now.
Us: Well, that and the fact that you’re the leads of the show. There’s
Sarah: Hey, I just *love* the idea of me alone in a carload of drunk
armed old men. It’ll remind me of the days when I was the sweetheart of
Sigma Chi . . . and Delta Zeta Beta . . . and Kappa Alpha Tau and . . .
well, all frat row, really.
THE LEGACY OF CHARLIE O’ROURKE
Amazing Guest Stars: Joan Hackett, woman with the best epitaph in
Hollywood. (No, seriously.) Man, does *she* have a better singing voice
than the typical guest star! (Not to mention an actual period-sounding
song . . . ) And the one, the only J. D. Cannon.
Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings: It’s good Heyes hair! And the good
tan jacket! Oh joy! And what is it with those gloves, Heyes? Trying to
cover up your secret “I’m the leader of the Devil’s Hole Gang” tattoo or
Excuse Me, But Is This The 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings:
Heyes is wearing a color combination that could only ever have existed
in the 1970s.
Pete, awash in beige.
Alice, awash in eyeliner.
Excellent Gibson girl hair on her, though -- possibly the best 19th century
hair, female division, in the entire series.
And suddenly, Heyes is wearing the corduroy jacket and the hat . . . could
it be a stock scene from earlier in the season?
And then the Disco Danny spread collar. What is *up* with that?
Was good Heyes hair and good Alice wardrobe just too exhausting to the
costume and hair people -- could they manage nothing else?
And now, it’s Kid Curry in the early 1980s women’s floppy bow tie. What’s
next -- espadrilles for both the guys?
And then, Heyes changes back into the good tan jacket. Yes!
Oooh, nice mount shot.
*Nice* old country cap on Kurt -- Kurt, dude, you sweep the girl away from
two cute guys, you don’t immediately don goofy headgear.
Character Balance: Alice keeps saying “If only I’d only met one
of you.” The rest of us are pretty happy that it’s a good buddy episode!
(And Alice -- they’re really pretty different, in looks and personality.
Surely you could have formed a critical preference in favor of one or the
Well, if only Alice could have decided between them. She wisely opts for
the German dude with career plans, instead. But what a frat boy moment
when they first lay eyes on her . . . “It’s a . . . a . . . girl! Schwing!”
It’s like Heyes and Curry momentarily metamorphosed into Wayne and Garth.
(Hey, they’ve got the hair color thing going . . . )
Just because Heyes and Alice are holding hands, doesn’t mean that they’re
On the other hand, it’s a lot more than most girls get from him, unlike
the Kid, who could be nicknamed the Kissing Bandit.
Serious menage a trois moment when they both have their arms around her.
Heyes tells Alice they’ll flip a coin over her. Get the feeling that if
she thought he was serious, she’d slug them both?
Slash Potential: They end up together when Alice ditches them both.
Could be a little mutual consolation?
Okay, how did this guy carry $100,000 in gold bars? No wonder he didn’t
get away -- he couldn’t have been moving very fast!
Whoa, Harry . . . taking the bottle with you? Maybe now we know why you’re
not so swift on the mark . . . .
Kid, Kid, Kid, you always take your hat off when you go into a lady’s dressing
room. You were raised better than that. And Heyes drinking from Alice’s
delicate china tea cup -- too precious!
Geez, “The Streets of Laredo,” huh? Depressing much? I mean, the guy’s
about to die, couldn’t you play him a happy song?
Browntown! Hey, it’s another town not called Red Rock, although what’s
with the color obsession? And it’s the Lackadaisical Posse (tm). Maybe
we’ll catch ‘em, maybe we won’t . . . but hey, it’s a nice day for a ride,
ain’t it, Buck? And we’re not quite sure, but we think we spotted Garth
Brooks in that posse.
Uh-huh, guys, stealing a stagecoach. An excellent way to stay on the straight
and narrow. Where did Heyes get this “smart” reputation from, anyway? Gotta
love Alice. She stops and snarks them in the middle of their plan. Hey,
this stagecoach will leave a trail that we can follow in our sleep, says
the leader of the Lackadaisical Posse. A lot of brass in our music, and
Alice is sporting a very garden party look for someone who’s going out
into the desert to dig for gold bars. Nobody could have hidden a hat that
large. Now Alice is so excited she’s squeaking.
Harry, twenty-two years as a Bannerman man and now you crack? And you were
only three years away from the gold watch, too. What’s with that evil laugh?
What *are* you on?
Guten tag! It’s Hermie the Elf! Alice is charmed by Kurt’s somewhat rapacious
business sense. And don’t the guys look teeny on Kurt’s draft horses?
At least Harry’s trying to learn Spanish, an idea that Heyes and Curry
might do well to emulate.
Curry leaps down amoung the rocks, practicing for his later action movies
. . . because Ben Murphy’s such a laid back mellow sort of an action hero.
Well, . . . he’s Ben Murphy.
Harry has figured out who they are -- he’s read two descriptions that “couldn’t
have been anyone but my old friends Smith and Jones.” Excuse us, but we’re
read the descriptions, too. On an average day, we probably pass a couple
of dozen people answering to each of the those descriptons. Now if the
wanted posters said, “Breaktaking cheekbones, liquid brown eyes you could
get lost in forever, and a quirky-looking but adorable nose” or “Curling
golden hair the color of ripe wheat glistening in the sunlight, azure blue
eyes like the sky on a glorious day” . . . then we’d know he meant those
Ewww, yuccch! It’s the origin of the Evil Sexist Coin Toss (tm).
Miscellaneous Non-Snarking: A story *not* written by John Thomas
James??? Is such a thing possible in the annals of *Alias Smith and Jones*?
Lines We Just Had To Torment:
Kid: Until we were able to go our own separate law abiding
Heyes: rolls his eyes.
Us: Kid, did no one ever expose you to the phrase “the lady doth protest
too much”? Or did you think that only applied to girls?
Harry: But you boys are smarter than I am . . .
Us: ...cuter than I am . . . suaver than I am . . . altogether better
than I am. No wonder I hate you!
Alice: Do you really know what you’re doing, either one of you?
Heyes: Um, uh, you know, nobody’s ever asked us that before.
Curry: Aw, geez, tough one.
Alice: You two are the worst pair of liars I’ve ever met.
Heyes: Funny, I always thought we were pretty good at it.
Heyes: Running’s something we know a little bit about.
Deb: You can’t do your hair, you can’t carry large hatboxes.
Alice: I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I’d met you one
at a time.
Us: And the rest of us will always wonder what would have happened
if you’d stuck around, having met both of them.
THE FIFTH VICTIM:
Amazing Guest Stars: Well, nobody really amazed us, but it was directed
by Fernando Lamas. Tres cool.
Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: He lies there with a bullet wound
in his head so very attractively. And there is an absolutely adorable "lying
in bed being questioned" hair moment. And he is still the only man in the
universe who looks good when he pushes back his cowboy hat.
Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:
There's the early scene where Heyes is wearing one of those early 1980s
floppy bow ties. Deb compliments him on being ahead of his time, but Catherine
remembers distinctly that those bow ties were for the working woman. Deb
says, so he was in touch with his feminine side. Is there a problem here?
Heyes dresses up for the funerals but Curry doesn't. So his suit was out
at the drycleaners?
Mrs. Carlson wears the tightest blouse ever seen on mortal woman, and has
some very Marcia Brady hair moments.
Well, there's that bullet wound in the head thing for Heyes, which kind
of puts him off his game for most of the episode.
Curry tries to think without Heyes -- always a mistake.
Romance Rating: Curry gets Helen the Saloon Girl all liquored up
and in bed. And he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get away once he
gets his information from her.
Slash Potential: Well, if you begin with Hurt/Comfort you could
work your way up to it.
We screamed aloud in unison when we heard them playing the theme, on an
organ, during the funeral scenes.
Curry, unlike some men, does not look any better wet. He ought to be pickier
about what camera angles he allows.
Is the West just peopled with incompetent sheriffs? And, most importantly,
can Heyes and Curry call each other by their real names any louder? There
may be one or two people in Canada who didn't hear them.
Miscellaneous Non-Snarking: Heyes makes an adorable amnesiac. And
any episode with lots of shots of him lying in a bed is okay by us.
NEVER TRUST AN HONEST MAN:
with Deb and Catherine and guest snarker, Slink
Amazing Guest Stars: this one's rather weak in that connection,
although the guy who played Oscar (Richard Anderson?) in the Six Million
Dollar Man has a role
Hannibal Heyes Hair Ratings:
Yes! Yes! Yes! Almost an entire good hair episode! Not slicked back, not
hidden under a hat. Except for a rather regrettable wing thing in the final
dress up scene, it's soft and fluffy and his bangs fall down rather than
doing that stuck across thing they usually do. Granted, it's an extremely
1972 I'm-in-a-rock-band hair moment, but we'll deal.
Heyes never puts the hat on *once* in the course of the episode, which
lead Catherine to posit that Pete probably said, "I finally got a decent
haircut and I am *not* wearing the damn hat this time!" Deb thought maybe
a clever props woman hid the hat, but then we saw it slung across his saddle.
Very nice galloping hair scene.
In other, less hair-specific Heyes moments, there is the adorable lying
on the bed scene, the "hey can I look *just* to the left of the camera"
thinking scene, and a wonderful shot of both the boys in profile.
Oh, yeah, and Curry takes his shirt off.
Excuse Me But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings?:
Deborah had a sudden revelation about what Sheriff Lom was really saying
in the opening credits: "The governor can't come right out and give you
a pardon now . . . but he can afford a bad 70s leather jacket for the Kid,
and a shoulder padded pre-disco blazer for Heyes."
Nothing too egregious for a change, though Heyes is wearing his Jimi Hendrix
We still want to know how a couple of guys who wander around with nothing
more than carpetbags or saddlebags suddenly have suits (and extra hats)
when they need them.
Curry's suit is a lot better than the one with the absurd contrast trim
he so often wears.
An ensemble episode. It's always better that way. Guest snarker Slink,
who had never seen an episode before, took about 3 seconds to figure out
which of the guys was the one that we like . . . Never say we're not *obvious*
about these things.
We explained to her the concept of how Heyes was supposed to be the smart
one and the Kid was supposed to be the cute one, and she agreed with us
that the producers were perhaps a trifle misguided.
Speaking of smart one, though, when Heyes talks about the master *suit*
in Harlingen's house, we groaned.
Also, we'd like to note that the Kid spent such an extremely long period
of time shirtless in this episode that Deb started to say, "Put your shirt
back *on*, Kid!" After all, we only get one very brief Heyes shirtless
in the entire series. We demand equal exploitation time.
Less biased Slink noted that Ben looked pretty good shirtless, especially
considering nobody really worked out in the early 70s.
Very, very wonderful Heyes/Curry interaction in that opening scene on the
train, when Heyes wakes the Kid up.
Nothing this time. Except in the opening poker scene, where it's "Uh, oh,
there's a woman in the room. Well, we know the Kid's concentration is shot."
And if Heyes and Curry climbed through *our* bedroom windows in the middle
of the night, fainting would not be *our* first reaction. (Well, setting
aside the shock we'd experience at finding fictional characters climbing
through our windows, and then, Deb lives in a highrise . . .)
Slash Potential: Well, you could make something of the Kid shirtless
for an extended period of time with Heyes in the hotel room. They are standing
Slink, an X-Phile, sought evidence of conspiracies throughout. That "Never
Trust" thing must've inspired her!
When Allan leaned into Christine, all 3 of us went "Ewwww" in unison. However,
when she told him he was too old, it was "Awwww." We wondered if he'd have
been one of those handsome, craggy older men if she would have felt the
Hey, Logan and the Preacher both have straight teeth. We thought Heyes
and Curry were the only two outlaws with straight teeth in the whole West!
Preacher is such an interesting character and much grittier than what we
usually see on this show -- we'd love to see him in fanfic.
So, Preacher, you might want to rethink your strategy a little -- telling
your buddy that Heyes and Curry are worth twice what he thought is probably
not the best way to stop him from shooting them.
And Christine goes home to . . . the Bates house? "Mother . . . mother,
it's Christine come to visit us."
Catherine, who knows these things, wants to know why Harlingen has a whole
library full of F. Supp. and other 20th century law books, complete with
the West Key Note symbols.
Miscellaneous Non-Snarking: Guest snarker Slink, who knows all about
lighting design, said that the lighting reminded her a lot of a spaghetti
Western. The fading dyes on the film create a really interesting effect.
Quotes that Deb just had to finish:
Heyes to Harlingen: "Now Mr. Harlingen, you already know that
my partner and me are men of integrity . . . just not good grammar."
And then Harlingen to his son Allan: "Now, Allan, it's time that I taught
you a few of the rudiments . . . reading, writing, and daily aerobic exercise."
THE ROOT OF IT ALL:
Amazing Guest Stars: You know how we always complain about the female
characters? Well, we really liked Judy Carne as Leslie O'Hara, and we understand
some of you don't. Of course, we've recently seen the pilot for "Love on
a Rooftop", the mid-60s series in which Pete and Judy played a young married
couple. (If you haven't seen Pete Duel with a buzz-cut, you just haven't
lived . . . Deb says he's the spitting image of Darren from Bewitched.
Catherine was simply in shock and takes her word for it.) They work together
really well, plus she's independent, clever, and, well, she may double
cross the guys but she's not claiming to be their oldest, dearest friend
like, say, Clem. Oh, and the guy who played one of McCreedy's men in The
McCreedy Bust shows up here as a robber. No wonder he recognized Heyes
and Curry. If these people are going to be doubling and tripling parts
all over the West, no wonder Heyes and Curry are going to be recognized
Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:
And there are many lovely ones. There's one that particularly comes to
mind when he's leaning with his back against a tree.
Also, there was that scene by the river bank, where we were struck by the
eternal question, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy
to see me?" No, really . . . look closely.
Nice climbing in and out of the stage shot. Is it warm in here, or is it
Nice wet pants on both the guys.
When Heyes confronts Leslie on the water tower, he is having a lovely hair
and smile moment.
Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:
Heyes' Jimi Hendrix neckscarf reappears. We're waiting for the Ultimate
Annoying Costume Episode in which we get both the scarf and Curry's pink
The women's costumes were quite good except for their hair being down all
the time. Leslie seems to have borrowed a dress from Clementine, and also
is wearing those False Eyelashes from Hell that all the girls seem to be
And wait -- isn't that Curry wearing Heyes' corduroy vest in that one scene?
Character Balance: They're both there. No annoying lengthy Heyes
absences or anything.
You know, they almost got it down this time, and they blew it in the last
30 seconds. We felt that Heyes and Leslie had some real chemistry going
there -- and we know Pete and Judy got lots of kissing practice doing their
earlier series. And a good Heyes kissing scene always does something for
And the Kid got to be chivalrous to that really pretty girl, Margaret,
and have that nice goodbye kiss sequence.
And then they completely infuriated us when only Leslie was left, by having
a coin toss over her. Ack! Gag! Sexist pigs! *Shudder of extreme distaste*!
She's already been necking with Heyes, at the very least -- how do you
think this chick is going to react if Curry starts coming onto her? She's
got a will of her own. Of course, Deb tried to salvage it by pointing out
that Heyes was probably tossing his own double- headed coin, but still
. . . Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!
Slash Potential: Could Curry's soaking-wet emergence from the river
be the reason for that . . . oh, see above.
See, we have all these "Love on a Rooftop" jokes. Like "If you don't give
that letter back to me, I'll . . . divorce you on a different series!"
Or "Here's my ring. It's very valuable." "No kidding, I gave it to you
when we got engaged in the far distant future." And there really *was*
a moment when the jailed Heyes says to Leslie "Well, work on it" when we
*did* have a flashback to the other series.
Could the music be any goofier? We doubt it.
When Heyes, Curry, Margaret and Prudence are walking along together, they
really looked like they were about to break out into "Lions and Tigers
and Bears, Oh My!"
Okay, a show of hands: how many of you, when you saw Prudence, the chaperone,
immediately thought of Maggie Smith in "A Room with a View"? We know we
In X Files fashion, we hereby dub the sixth passenger on the stagecoach
Tooth Wearing Man.
The bandit who was also in McCreedy is Derby Man or Mister "My Brain is
Bulging Out My Forehead".
Wow -- the Kid can sleep anywhere.
JOURNEY FROM SAN JUAN:
Funny, it doesn't look like Puerto Rico.
Amazing Guest Stars: Is Claudine Longet famous? Should she be?
(I believe she shot her lover after divorcing...um...who was it again...Perry
Como?) Nico Minardos. And one of the Mexican bandits grew up to be Detective
Chano on Barney Miller.
Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments: There is some outstanding Heyes
hair in this episode. And does his dimple have a dimple?
Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s? Costume Ratings:Michelle's
outfits are as insipid as she is. Nice gambling outfits on Heyes and Curry
-- love the string tie, Heyes. Blanche is an evil woman with bad, bad hair
and far too much eyeshadow. Michelle is doing some serious racoon eyeliner
-- going out for Goth night or something? How come the guys are wearing
coats for completely different weather conditions?
Well, Curry gets the Nice Girl, while Heyes romances the Bad Woman. Were
you surprised? Because we sure weren't.
Heyes says to Curry: Ha! You think you need to tell *me* how to handle
myself in clinches?
Us: Well, yeah, Heyes. Since the Kid gets almost all the clinches in
the series, it's entirely possible you're just a little out of practice.
(Of course, if you thought it would help, we'd volunteer to practice with
you . . . )
And just how insipid is Michelle? We can't quite decide if she's really
insipid, or really, really insipid. Particularly when she sings. And *shudder*
she gets Heyes to sing along. Always a bad idea.
Geez, Kid, you can do better than her.
As for Casino Owning Woman: she makes it a rule never to associate with
her hotel guests, but she'll make an exception for Heyes. Oh, excuse us,
like any woman *wouldn't*?
Slash Potential: Well, Curry got shot. There's some hurt/comfort
for you. Use your imagination.
Bad cliched Mexican background music. Mexican 70s car chase music?
What's with the sudden Southern accent, Heyes? (We know Pete was from Rochester,
NY, for heavens' sake.)
Is this what happens to all their money? They just keep handing it to random
damsels in distress?
And look: it's the same stock gambling footage they use throughout the
The sea captain takes his ship out at night? Must be some new kind of navigation
we've never heard of.
Curry says: "Forget about Blanche, Heyes." Just in case someone is listening
outside the door. Their lack of discretion amazes us once again. Of course
he shushes Michelle when she uses the forbidden name. Apparently everyone
else can be heard, just not the guys.
"Carved in stone and handed down from the mountain." Hey, it's another
Kid Curry Biblical allusion. So he must've read *something* besides *Tom
And it's trendy harpsichord chase music.
Could that be Kojak riding with the herd?
Stock cattle footage: hey, aren't these the same cows from "21 Days to
No, Heyes, El Clavo became head of this big, successful gang because he's
*stupid.* And how did you become leader of the Devil's Hole gang, anyway?
Blanche has never been on a horse in her life -- excuse us, what is this?
Lines We Just Had To Finish Or Invent:
Michelle: "My mother thinks I have a nice voice."
Us: What do people who aren't related to you think?
El Clavo: What do you have that I can possibly want? I have good teeth
and many men.
Blanche: We're talking about real money?
Us: No, I thought I'd pay you in Monopoly Money.
Michelle: "Blanche offered me everything I wanted: clothes, my passage
home, clothes, money, clothes . . . did I mention I wanted clothes?"
Kid to Michelle: "We'll always have New Orleans. Oh wait. I'm not going
there with you."
Heyes: Blanche, you just became the prettiest partner I've ever had.
Deborah and Catherine: Kid Curry is *much* prettier than Blanche."
Curry: "Michelle, what you want to do is find yourself a nice fellow
who works in a bank or something . . . preferably not one I'm likely to
Michelle: There's still a lot of little boy in you.
Deb and Catherine: And this is relevant to what?
THE McCREEDY BUST
Okay, we're not sure how we got around to snarking the
second McCreedy episode first, but somehow we did. This was a party snark,
and features not only Deborah and Catherine, but also Multiple Special
Guest Snarkers: Apache, Celeste, Lana, Laurie and Lisa. And yes, it got
Amazing Guest Stars: Burl Ives: The Snowman rules! Rather more svelte
than he is even by the next year. Cesar Romero: Too cool to be believed!
And what a fabulous outfit he wears. Not to mention some fabulous character
Hannibal Heyes Hair Moments:
And an awful lot of nice dimple moments, too.
Good Heyes hair during the break-in scene, and those wonderful "I'm cracking
a safe and I'm really, really happy" facial expressions. (You know, what
Catherine named "safegasm.")
Adorable Heyes and Curry moment when they are looking at the rest of the
loot in the safe. He wants the gingerbread cookie so badly, says Lana.
Nice hat-tipping moment for Heyes when he is about to scam McCreedy at
the second card game.
Good getting-punched-in-the-stomach hair -- it flies nicely.
And they both look *adorable* when they're tied up and hung over chez Armendariz.
Excuse Me, But Is This the 1870s or the 1970s Costume Ratings:
You know, this may be the first episode filmed after the pilot, but someone
caught on very quickly that the polyester shirts and pants from the pilot
weren't quite the thing, so our boys are wearing some nice natural fibers
It may be the condition of the dub we were watching, but Curry has some
serious blue eyeliner moments.
Of course, at one point when Banker Peterson laughs it looks like he's
been drinking purple KoolAid, so it really may be the dub.
Curry is wearing his good suit! Lana refers to it as the "sky blue monstrosity"
but then, this is Lana's first episode. She hasn't seen the bad suit, yet.
Heyes doesn't *have* a good suit.
Of course, the suits and hats magically appear out of the Duncan McLeod
TransDimensional SaddleBags, tm.
And why does Heyes show up to the second poker game wearing that early
1980s women's power floppy bowtie?
Romance Rating: None, except for Heyes kissing the saloon girl at
the beginning of the Poorly Judged Drunk Scene. She seems to be wearing
the same wig that Catherine wore when she went as Patsy Stone (Absolutely
Fabulous, sweetie-darling) for Halloween last year.
Slash Potential: No slash, but some nice tying them up and slapping
Celeste noticed that Roger Davis' voiceover sounds a little like Mickey
Kid Curry has the fastest edit in the West! Ah-hah!
After watching this episode five times, Catherine has finally spotted the
woman who screamed when the Kid shot off Blake's holster.
Heyes doesn't really want the reward money; he just wants to crack the
safe. We all know he gets off on it.
McCreedy mumbles a lot -- to the point where he sounds like Burgess Meredith
as the Penguin.
And lest we forget what era this is being filmed in, it's the Avengers
background music again.
Apache wants to know: is that Sonny Bono guarding McCreedy's safe? (And
is that an offensive cultural stereotype of a sleepy Mexican or what?)
And for all you Forever Knight fans out there: it's the bust of Lucius!
Knocking that vase over when they are fleeing: are these guys supposed
to be *good* at this or what?
So they scam the most powerful man in town, and we yell to them, "Get out
of town NOW!" but noooo, they decide to go to the local saloon and get
drunk. NOT a saloon a hundred miles away. The one right there in Red Rock.
Are these guys an accident waiting to happen or what? Hannibal Heyes and
Kid Curry starring in "Dumb and Dumber."
And it's Heyes singing badly, a theme that begins in this first episode
and continue throughout the series.
Armendariz walks into the room during poker game number three and sniffs
the air. "I have smelled the testosterone, and I know that I have come
to the right place!"
Mac: not only does Armendariz have his bust back, but he is cooler than
you, and better dressed, and he always will be.
And the sheriff spends the entire episode going through his file of wanted
posters. Were there that many outlaws in the Old West?
Were there that many *people* in the Old West? And the famously vague descriptions
lead him straight to the guys, fortunately a little too late. As Celeste
points out, all the wanted posters had to say was "straight white teeth."
They are the only people in the Old West who had them.
Deborah takes the moment to inform us that Hannibal Heyes' wanted poster
is up in the sheriff's office in "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman." Catherine
shudders and realizes that this means that she is going to have to watch
"Dr. Quinn: Too Perfect Woman" until she sees it. Even episodes that don't
have Ben Murphy in them. The things we do for our little obsessions. *Sigh*
That rule about stud poker really is in Hoyle. Deborah checked. However,
stud poker was apparently not invented until the late 1880s, and our best
estimate has always been that this series took place in the early 1880s.
Banker Peterson is a great laugher. We like him -- he's got an equal opportunity
sense of humor. He'll snark anything. Kinda like us! Although: do you think
he's powered by Energizer batteries or what? He keeps going . . . and going
. . . and . . .
Lines We Just Had To Finish:
McCreedy: The real games are up at my house every Saturday
night, if you have $10,000 for a buy-in.
Heyes: Do we look like we have $10,000 for a buy-in? Would I be wearing
this dust-covered, cracked-looking hat if I had $10,000?"
McCreedy: "Would you put $20,000 on one hand? "
Deborah: Sure, if you can't learn not to wear your hat indoors, you'll
do anything. Who raised these guys? Wolves?
The guys consult and realize that in fact, Armendariz was wronged by
Big Mac. They raise their arms: "Hey, waiter? Er, Senor Armendariz?" So,
McCreedy had a statue back, and what did he do with it? Lana and Lisa:
Well, he painted it blue, and turned it into a Chia Head.
Guest Snarker Liz P. takes along with her on her maiden
Amazing guest stars: Keenan Wynn (Always remembered in my mind as
the baddie in Herbie), Sallie Shockley - aka Fez Woman from "What's in
it for Mia?" and why is Dana Elcar a familiar name ... anyone?
Deb note: MacGyver. He was on MacGyver
Hannibal Heyes hair moments: Its the incredible Hannibal Heyes hair
morphing episode. His thatch yo-yos uncontrollably between being neatly
combed and slicked back over his ears, and being attractively mussed up
with a fringey bit falling across his forehead. All this the more noteworthy
for the fact that he spends most of the episode tied to a chair. Oh, did
I mention though that either way, he looks adorable?
Excuse me but is this the 1870s or 1970s? Costume Ratings:
Its the brown corduroy / leather jacket combo for the lads.
Mr Downs appears to be wearing Heyes' floppy poker bow tie.
What a cool dude the outlaw leader Clint Walker is with his sleeves rolled
up above his elbows and he has bound round his wrist one of those long
thin leather strips that was so popular in the 1980s amongst teenagers
and Morten Harket.
The women have normal hair (Sallie Shockley is pre-fez, but it still has
a bit of a 60s Holly Golightly lift to it) and the false eyelashes are
For some reason the father of the baby gave me the impression he had just
stepped off the set of Witness, or (for our British viewers) looked like
he should be sharing a cell with Norman Stanley Fletcher.
Character balance: Honours are even with a nice look on their faces
each time the chairs topple. No matter how often Heyes must have seen the
Kid Curry fast draw, he still seems amused by it.
Slash potential: Not much opportunity what with spending most
of the episode tied up in a room full of people. However, they do make
a habit of putting their arms round each others shoulders whenever possible.
Romance potential : Nope
Guess where the stage is headed? ..... yup, Red Rock.
When we had an external shot of Heyes' and Curry's arms firing in turn
out of the window, I sort of expected a third arm to suddenly appear in
the style of Naked Gun / Police Squad.
The ropes tying them to the chairs looked really ineffectual and at one
point Heyes has no difficulty getting out his pocket watch, despite being
tied up. ....Wait a minute, since when did Heyes have a pocket watch?
The unison chair topple! - Love it, Love it, Love it!!I am impressed
by the benefits of 1870s transport privatisation - free coffee, food and
insurance claims handed out without going through a bureaucratic nightmare.
Lines I had to finish / invent :
Heyes to Mrs Bowers (squashed between Heyes & Curry on
the stage): "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to sit next to your husband?"
Mrs Bowers: "You're pulling my leg - right?"
Charlie Uttley: "Just drop the gunbelts on the floor, real slow and
real easy like"
Kid Curry: "I don't know what you've got on your mind mister ... but
grammar clearly isn't one of them"
Heyes : "Pssst, Kid, if you can shuffle your chair this way and loosen
one of these ropes ... I might just be able to reach for my comb"
Joe (calling down from the top of the stagecoach): "Mr Heyes ... Mr
Kid Curry: "Yup? ..... Doh! Fell for it again!"
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